today is a good day

Today is a good day. This is something I rarely say. I tend to dwell on the negatives instead of the positives, but today I can see progress. One year ago today I never thought that I would make it to where I am right now. 

One year ago today I made a decision that seemed impossible. One year ago today I cut myself for the last time.

I had tried to stop more times than I could count, but each time I would feel the literal NEED to hurt myself. I would mess up at school and sit through class telling myself that I could cut as soon as I got home and it would be all better. I thought that I needed to suffer for all of the awful things I had done. I blamed everything that had gone wrong in my life on myself. I deserved to suffer more than I could even imagine, but somehow suffering like this felt rewarding to me.

I thought of this in some ways as a reward. I thought that it was a mature thing to do. My parents and friends have always told me what I can wear, what colors my hair can be, how much makeup I can have on my face, etc. Cutting was my way of saying FU I can do whatever the hell I want to my body. It was my escape from everyone that I thought wanted to control my life.

I thought it would make me feel better, and it did for a while, but what ended up happening did not. I would cut and get this huge rush of adrenaline and release and feel better for about 10-20 minutes, then, I would spiral downward into hating myself for cutting again which got me nowhere. I would get so sick of myself for my stupidity that I would swear I would never do it again, but that usually didn’t work.

In the end, I did stop though. This was not the last time I thought about it, but I became stronger than my thoughts and able to resist them, and I’m so glad I did. The thing that helped me most was the support system I found in my friends. They made me realize that every time I did this, I wasn’t just hurting myself, I was hurting them, and I couldn’t stand to do that. I would love to put this all in the past and forget it never happened, but I can’t seem to do that. No matter how much I would love to erase it, this chapter of my life is a part of my story, and there is a purpose.

Here is a list of things that helped me if anyone (or your friend) is struggling:

  • Writing inspirational things (song lyrics, scripture verses, etc.) where I wanted to cut
  • Doodling on myself in the spots I wanted to hurt myself
  • Getting putty or slime or something to fidget with to occupy my hands
  • Telling myself to go 10 minutes at a time without hurting myself
  • Calling or texting a friend
  • Petting my dog
  • Playing guitar or piano
  • Going for a walk or bike ride
  • many others I can’t think of at the moment

I hope maybe this will help someone 🙂

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